Experiences of Faith
And sometimes, against all odds, miracles happen
How God’s grace carried us through our battle with infertility
They say that difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations.
Our journey to having our second baby was a struggle we were never prepared for. It’s left deep scars that, still at twenty-five weeks along, make it hard for us to believe it is real. The reality is that infertility affects a lot of couples, and it doesn’t discriminate, even if you have had a child before. We felt isolated and alone in our struggle, and as hard as it is to relive the heartache of our journey, we feel that the reality of our story needs to be shared. We hope that it serves as example to those out struggling with this mountain; it can be moved.
Never did we imagine being told by several doctors that we were experiencing unexplained secondary infertility, especially after it wasn’t a struggle at all to have our beautiful firstborn. Our journey involved three years, two months, and fourteen days of depleted savings, countless appointments, testing, supplements, needles, second opinions, and treatments; three years, two months, and fourteen days of battling sadness, anxiety, and hopelessness, while walking through my everyday life forcing smiles and using our go-to “I’m good” response, which was far from the truth. Experiencing triggers that immediately made the tears fall or left me running to a bathroom, car or separate room, frustrated and defeated by it all, pretending to be okay when I was not. After all that time, it became exhausting. I reached a breaking point and it just swallowed me whole. I let it become my identity and define my self-worth. I thought of myself as a failure for my inability to achieve those two pink lines.
To those still in the waiting, who immediately felt their heart ache when they saw the topic of this blog, we see you
. We know all too well how it feels to be overwhelmed by the sadness, frustration, anger, and envy that comes from seeing these stories. We know the guilt that follows, and the energy spent trying to explain to people why
it hurts so much. I can’t tell you how many times my tears broke through after seeing or hearing news like this, and felt like they would never stop. We get it, and we want you to know that all those feelings are valid. Don’t let anyone decide for you which of your feelings in a moment are valid, and which aren’t. Sometimes people judge situations which they don’t, and will never, understand. Infertility struggles cannot be understood by those who have never experienced them. I have walked through that dark tunnel, feeling isolated, defeated, and numb. I had to fight harder than I ever have before to keep going through it all, and what I wish I knew earlier in the journey was that I was not alone. I am here as someone who knows what it’s like to be in the thick of it all. Your light isn’t gone, it may just be dim right now. This journey is so tough, but know that it is okay to not always feel hopeful, positive, and grateful all the time. Allow yourself the ability to feel it all, honour the warrior you are, and give yourself credit for the things you have already overcome.
You are here, you’ve come this far, and something we wish we would have noticed sooner is the little victories and the nudges in the right direction. It took us a while to realize the gift of God’s grace. More times than we can count we asked God, “Why?”. Why to God, why to the universe. We didn’t find Him in the answer to those questions, nobody does. We didn’t find an answer to that question, but what we found was God’s grace, steadily carrying us through every curve, gently lifting us up after every fall. The more we noticed His presence, the more we realized the abundance and power of His grace. We found both comfort and confidence in Him. Our love for Him grew and we began to become thankful for what we were learning, and how we were growing, all because of our struggle. By His grace, we became grateful; we found our hope again. We became stronger and kinder to ourselves, and we learned to see our future as full and blessed no matter what it would be. We found peace, and we got there by acknowledging His presence. We got there before we had learned our baby boy was on the way. We could bear the struggle because God is good.
Infertility was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through and it did break me, but what I never expected was that at the end of it all, with the scars that it has left…I can honestly say I am thankful for the struggle. It gave me strength I never knew I had to pick myself up and keep going, and a resiliency to giving up even when all hope felt lost. It gave me the opportunity to see God’s unwavering grace, and to grow in faith. It gave me a powerful reminder to show others more compassion, support, and kindness, because you never know what someone else is going through. I always knew there would be a reason for my season of waiting. I am not the same person I was at the beginning of the struggle, and I see now that was the whole point.
Now, when we look back it seems that there was always a plan. It was you, our sweet baby boy, who was always meant to be ours.